Instilling independence in a child

Laura Thompson, of the International Community School in London, offers some thoughts on how to help your family adapt to a new environment

“Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice.” Steve Jobs

“The most courageous act is still to think for yourself. Aloud.” Coco Chanel

For every parent and guardian surely one of the most difficult life lessons to impart to a child successfully is the gift of independence – independence of both thought and of spirit and to instil the courage it takes to be self-sufficient when a life situation demands it – as we all know it will from time to time. No one wants their child to grow up to be timid or fearful of new circumstances, or to be anxious when faced with people who may or may not hold the same views, or who look at life through a totally different cultural lens. In an ideal world, our children would navigate tricky situations without breaking a sweat, holding their own while moving in and out of many and varied social and cultural circles. In each environment they would be totally comfortable and at home, and they would both listen and be listened to, leaving a lasting and positive impression on each and every person they met. In addition of course they would be savvy enough to plot their route across an unfamiliar city in a foreign land using public transport and all the while be knowing enough to sidestep dangerous people and situations because they are just so streetwise and so shrewd……..

The reality, of course, is a little different.

Whilst we and our children may display all these robust characteristics and behaviours in our home countries, when we lift ourselves out of familiar surroundings and find ourselves dropped into an alien culture – with all the trappings and convolutions of life that entails, it can feel like we have landed in a sink or swim scenario.

I am sure that many of you when expressing concerns about how your children might adapt to a new city/country/culture/language heard the (well-meaning) words: “Oh but kids are so adaptable! So flexible! They’ll find their feet in no time!”

The truth is though, that for a young child or a teenager – the prospect of leaving friends behind and breaking away from the known comfort of their school and community can be a terrifying one. The primary responsibility of making sure they are happy, safe and making friends in their new environment falls pretty squarely on the shoulders of the accompanying parents and guardians and of course the school you choose for them. You can bet your life that if you don’t manage to tick all of the above boxes you can be fairly sure your child will make you wish you had never left your home country in the first place. So…. what to do? How to help your child find his or her feet in a new city? How do you help your child steer the difficult line between shyness and overconfidence, and make them feel at home and not overwhelmed by the onslaught of a huge metropolis like London? Despair not, there are a million strategies you can adopt to aid the process – and there’ll be more than one strategy to fit your child’s needs. Here’s just a few ideas to kick start the thought process.

Recognise the difference between Enabling and Empowering.

I suppose this is all about identifying in yourself your potential for being over-protective – a HELICOPTER PARENT, an enabler. The kind of parent who hovers by the climbing frame to make sure their little one doesn’t fall or (heaven forbid) is pushed by a mean, oversized, much stronger and no doubt pathologically dangerous older child, (ie seemingly every other child in the playground). The kind of parent who insists on dropping their 15-year-old child off at school and picking them up every day even when the child is keen to try to get around themselves… independently. The attentive and loving Enabling Parent steps in between a child and the experiences they face so as to take the impact of the consequence of their children’s choices, leaving the child of course safe for the time being, (a good thing) but in the long term ill equipped to weigh up the pros and cons of their own future decisions, most probably quite risk averse and quite possibly with low self-esteem. Overindulgence will make a child irresponsible. Overprotection makes them dependent on others.

The Empowering Parent, on the other hand, finds that elusive sweet spot between guiding their child – and letting them assume responsibility for themselves. Letting them make those crucial mistakes that will enable them to learn the lessons that will increase their ability to deal with the next set of problems life will present them; not wrapping up warm enough in cold weather, taking the wrong tube train, lending money to or falling in love with the wrong person. Familiar scenarios to most of us.

How hard it is to let them go ahead and make all those painfully wrong decisions themselves – and on your watch - without stepping in or letting a judgemental word, a “told you so”, pass your lips.

Model Enthusiasm

Moving as a family to a new city, such as London, it is key that the parents themselves model courage, curiosity and enthusiasm as they attempt to unlock the secrets of their new home. The truth is that often the children will have a stronger command of the language than their parents which makes it doubly hard to take this lead – but if the children see you venturing out to try new foods and embracing local festivities and exploring traditions then they will follow. Eat fish and chips by the seaside, clog your arteries at least once with a cream tea, go and watch an effigy of Guy Fawkes being burned on November 5th, take a trip to London’s China Town for the Chinese New Year. Explore their new city with them, laugh at all the British idiosyncrasies but don’t ridicule or compare with home too much at first. Allow them to overcome any misgivings or fears they might have in their own time. Their independence will grow from confidence, and confidence leads to higher self-esteem and emotional resilience. And, not unimportantly – we at the International Community School know that a happy, curious child with a strong sense of self-worth and a zest for life will perform better in the classroom.

So all those trips you make on the tube as a family are quietly preparing them to make the same trips on their own. Get out and about and visit the galleries and museums with them, many have workshops and talks which are specifically run for young people (The Tate, Barbican, V&A to name a few). Lots of London theatres have special programmes for 16-25-year-olds and discounted children’s tickets. All these leisure activities make the city more familiar and more manageable and enjoyable to the child – and of course they will meet likeminded children of their own age – which is a crucial element to feeling ‘at home’. Allow them to take the lead in reading tube maps and navigating for the whole family, let them practice a level of independence while having you there as a safety net.

Your shared experiences will provide a secure grounding from which your child can launch themselves, step by step, in their own time, out into new learning and social opportunities, always secure in the fact that their parental safety net is there in the background. When they are ready – they’ll be off to meet up with new groups of friends at various ends of the city and they’ll be navigating the public transport network and their social calendar in ways which leave you just a little envious.

There can be no greater feeling of empowerment than having ‘mastered’ a complex new city to the point where you can call it home, and what better classroom and teacher to have on your doorstep than dear old London town.

This article was originally written for FOCUS Magazine
For more information about the International Community School, click here.