Is a focus on manners important?

Claire Robinson, Headteacher of Holme Grange School in Wokingham, shares her views on the importance of manners...

Why are manners so important?

Manners are more than the words, “please” and “thank you”. It is about opening doors, showing respect and consideration, acting to help others and taking the time to greet someone and ask after their welfare. It is about being organised and on time for an event, apologising for our absence and quite simply having consideration for others, remaining calm and considerate and not showing anger or rage - treating others as we would wish to be treated. We should also remember it includes respect for property and care for our immediate environment - not dropping litter or picking it up when we see it being just one example of this.

In the materialistic society we live in today, gratitude is also waning, but research into positive phycology tells us that practicing gratitude can have a positive effect on our lives, enabling us to have stronger relationships, greater wellbeing and lower risk of depression and anxiety. It is therefore my view that manners and gratitude are imperative for our children if they are to live fulfilled, happy and successful lives and are character strengths which should be a non-negotiable in every school community.

Is there a decline in common courtesy?

“The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any” – Fred Astaire

This quote could lead us to believe that there was an issue with manners even in the time of Fred Astaire, renowned for his courtesy and ‘gentlemanly’ character. Common courtesy, manners and gratitude will decline if they are not seen as important and are not modelled. However, one never fails to be impressed by the welcome one receives when being served in a shop, or when the customer greets the assistant with similar values. Sadly this is often because it is a rarer event.

At Holme Grange, pupils hold doors open to allow people through, they wait if an adult is coming through, they offer to help if someone might need it and will always greet each other and adults with a smile and a personal greeting. They show consideration for those around them and accept responsibility for their actions when things don’t go to plan. Honesty and integrity are valued and forgiveness practiced. Within the school this is not seen as unusual or strange. Some may need reminding on occasion but manners are modelled and positive reinforced which results in a caring, considerate community.

Embedding manners into school

Manners and gratitude are values which are embedded as part of our whole school ethos and the Holme Grange Way which is a guide to how to live our lives, within a caring community, contributing positively to that community and beyond. Our young people build positive relationships and experience positive relationships in school, with peers and adults alike as all relationships are built on mutual respect. This helps them to develop into confident, caring individuals with a true sense of right and wrong and a desire to impact positively on the world in which they live.

The impact of Social Media

I believe social media has increased the amount we communicate but the effectiveness of this communication could be called into question. The danger is the more we communicate via technology, social media and the like, the less direct connection we have as individuals. Which impacts on our wellbeing.

Manners would dictate that you would not talk to someone else or interrupt if someone was talking to you. However, there does not appear to be the same etiquette when it comes to answering phones or texting whilst doing other things with people. The need to respond immediately can also lead to the danger of not thinking about what one is replying or taking the time to think – and sometimes causing unintended offence in the process.

An increasing number of people would rather text, email or message, than speak in person to another. An increasing number of young people communicate with their peers more often than the older generation did at the same age, yet they speak less.

What we say, how we say it and when we say it can lead inadvertently to bad manners and inappropriate behaviours. The positive if we are considering the gratitude side of this and positive psychology as mentioned above, there are now an increasing number of opportunities to show gratitude and make a difference through social media and perhaps that is what we should promote more through effective modelling and more people doing it – sharing the gratitude more often will result in a positive outcome for everyone’s wellbeing.

The relationship between school and home

It is about having the right role models and setting of a good example.

• Modelling good manners

• Showing gratitude

• Agreeing an etiquette – especially when using social media

• Treating others like you want to be treated – mutual respect

• Don’t lower your own expectations as others around you lower theirs, rise above it and stick to the values you hold dear.

Education is a partnership between home and school. Shared values are important and these should always be reinforced. We make no apology for insisting on manners and common courtesy as this is the first thing that people form an opinion of us from. Emotional intelligence has been found to play a bigger part in one's success in life than academic intelligence. It also contributes to one’s own mental and physical wellbeing so should be reinforced.

Praise good manners and surround yourself with those who share the same values. Promote these and others will follow and be led by your example. Consistent reinforcement and expectations are necessary and our young people may be the ones to teach the older generation that manners are more than ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ and include tolerance and respect for diversity.

The reputation we build for ourselves is determined by the small actions we make. It is important if we are to have a better, more understanding and tolerant society, that we continue to reinforce the things that will never become outdated. Manners, common courtesy, respect and gratitude all contribute to a more peaceful and harmonious environment for all and could go some way to reversing the trend we see in mental ill-health. And are all these things within our control and something we all have a choice about and can each of us has the power to influence by the example we set.

After-all as William of Wykeham (1324–1404) once said, “Manners make this man.”